Sunday, October 11, 2009

Weekend Update

First, thanks for all the nice comments about my Dad below. This has been a horrific week and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel normal again. I've gotten past the stage of blubbering idiot and now I am firmly planted into poor pitiful me land.

The service was very nice. With my step mom, my Dad choose most of what they were going to do. With this one, they realized that we didn't know what we were doing and did it all for us. They did a full mass with communion. The Knights came and there was a full choir. They sang his favorite song (which I requested in a moment of clarity). He was cremated and will be laid to rest at his church in a special garden they are building. They hope to have it complete by spring.

The church really pulled through for me on pictures too. I spent 15 minutes crying in the office because I didn't buy the expensive pictures from a couple of weeks ago. My cheapness really bit me in the ass. But they think they've found them so I can have a copy of the picture with my Dad and baby together. So if you are the praying sort, please think of me and the picture and be optimistic that I'll get one.

I lived alone for several years and really enjoyed it. Now I am really lonely. My Mom has practically moved in but I feel like an orphan. Now I know how poor Natalie felt when I took her from her foster mama.

Speaking of Natalie, my baby is having night terrors and won't let me out of her sight. She rarely mentions his name and won't go into his room. I know she didn't see him that morning but she isn't stupid. She knows something bad happened to her Grandpapa and he isn't here anymore. She is super clingy to Nana too. She simply won't sleep until she is almost falling over and is sleeping about 8 hours a day instead of her normal 12. So I am not sure what I'll be doing about that.

I won't be going back to work this week and I'll be visiting my doc tomorrow about a couple of things. One, my walking pneumonia is back. All the crying and stuff did me in. Two, my company has short term disability. I am going to ask him if he won't sign them for me so I can arrive back to work in a mostly whole state instead of the pieces I'm in now. Everyone tried to drug me last Monday "to take the edge off" but I wouldn't take the pills. I just don't want that now and I want to see if I can get through the depression on my own. I am hopeful that once the WP is cleared up, I will sleep better and start healing.

A lot of things have changed around here too. I've Pine-Sol-ed every surface in this place like 4 times, I need to stop or I'll rub the finish off the hardwood (before, my motto was "clean enough!") Ms Packrat has become "do you need one of these?". My walk in closet was a disaster, knee deep in stuff. I gave some of it away and packed up all my summer clothes. I made room for the few pieces of clothing of Dads that I wanted to keep and my brother took the bulk of it because they are almost the same size (which pleases me, I'd rather see my brother in the clothes instead of taking them to Goodwill). I've gone through the fridge and frozen half of the food that has been dropped off at the house and have turned into full frugal mode (except for pictures, I've learned a very hard lesson). I used to fuss at Dad over the amount of food he'd buy and freeze or store (pantry food) but I realize now, it was just his way of providing. He has left us with 6-12 months of things, I'll only have to buy milk & fruit.

My Mom has become a cleaning maniac and has been tearing stuff apart and reorganizing it. I don't know where half of my kitchen is, but that is ok because it looks better. I hadn't decorated the new house yet and she has been pulling out my knick knacks and putting things out for me. I think she is just trying to keep me busy and worn out so I'll sleep better. She went to her house to get work clothes (she goes back tomorrow) and to bring back her sewing machine. We are going to make living room curtains from my pretty yard sale fabrics, something I've wanted to do for years. I'm also going to learn to knit (I've always wanted to, not sure why I've just not gone out and done it) and start making fitted newborn dipes for DD2.

This will be my last "downer" post on all of this. My blog is my online journal so I'll post things like this from time to time. But I don't want it to overshadow the happy stuff that happens. So if I seem perky-er next week I'm just faking.

Bye for now - Kim


Jill said...

Oh Kim, please do not feel like this was a "downer" post.....
I love the fact that you feel open enough to share your heart with all of us. I lost my dad a few years back and to this day it has a profound effect on my life. I know that will never change. So, if you feel the need to "vent" again in a day, a week, a month, or a year, DO IT! We will all be here for you!
Glad your mom is there to help. PLEASE take care of yourself and your precious daughter. Let me know if I can help in ANY way.
Hugs, Jill

Cat said...

I'm so sorry but it sounds like you were able to plan a lovely service. Take care of yourself and Natalie, and don't feel like you have to fake the perky!

Eliza2006 said...

I agree. This was not a downer post. It's okay to feel sad and even depressed. What happened is life changing. Thanks for sharing. You are in my thoughts.

K said...

Hi, Kim, I'm so glad you posted. It's very good that you didn't take the drugs. It's an honor to your father that you grieve for him and an important part of dealing with your without him. It takes time to get used to a new reality.

Natalie is very young to understand death and very experienced at knowing what loss is. If you can, pull out pictures of your dad and look at them together and let her see you cry and explain that you are sad because grandpa died, but that he lived a life and loved her and you very much. If you are raising her Christian you can reassure her that you'll be together again after she's lived a long, long life, too, with mommy, too, of course.

I'm glad that the ceremony was nice and that you had people around to help you. Have fun sewing and knitting. Your dad will be close in your heart. He's probably preparing your next little one for you now.

Every time I mow my lawn I feel my grandfather looking at me and shaking his head because I'm a girl and I'm doing it and I just laugh at loud and say, "Look at me, Pa, I'm mowing my own lawn. You set a good example for me to follow, even though I'm female!"

Please don't blog to please others, but to please yourself. If you want to tell us about your dad, I'd love to read it. I know you had a special relationship with him, otherwise you wouldn't have been living together.

Take care of yourself and know that what you are feeling, or not, is perfectly normal, tears, fears, loneliness and all.

ryarosh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ryarosh said...

I will keep praying for you all Kim. I am always available to just talk if you would like to or have someone to listen.

Faith, Hope, and Love said...


I am so sorry to hear that you lost your daddy. Oh its SO hard! I totally get the "orphan" feeling. Both my parents died 3 years ago.

I pray that God will comfort you and your mother's heart.